From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
