Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
