Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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