It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
