She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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