My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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