I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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