drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
