I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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