I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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