I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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