i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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