I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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