Quick, to the slutcave!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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