I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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