dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
