to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
