how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
