i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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