Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I would ride that face into the sunset
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
