I met the friendliest cop last night
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
