i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Oh god it's open bar.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
