The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
