So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
