I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
