I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
