Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Randomize
