she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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