So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We're too hungover to prance.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
