Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
