She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Two words: nipple clamps
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