Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
