If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
