Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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