I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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