Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
