I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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