I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
