If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
