I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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