I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sober January is a disaster.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
