my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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