I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
