i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
