You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
