Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
