I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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