im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
