Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
