ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
