she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
