Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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